I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
