dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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