Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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