and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He passed out mid-signature
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
