Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
