a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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