Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
