Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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