Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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