??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
