First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
