I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
