Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
