Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
