i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
