Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have feelings that need drinking.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
