And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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