Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
