i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
