Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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