If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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