the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
