Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Randomize
