Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I can text with my tongue
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
