i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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