yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
