you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
