Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Randomize
