apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
