I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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