you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
