I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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