i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
