Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
