I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
