if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
