the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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