so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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