Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
