I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
