mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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