just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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