Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
