"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
