My hand turned me down
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just had sex on a roof
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize