im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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