I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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