I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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