So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
