Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
