I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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