i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
