P.S. I can't hear my feet
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
