My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
