my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
