I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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