The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize